Meeting new people is relatively easy. After all, there are plenty of book groups and yoga classes out there. The difficulty comes when you try to move beyond the casual nods and smiles and establish a real, lasting friendship. Making new friends is a skill – but so is holding on to them.
Establishing Intimacy
Have you ever noticed how some people make and retain friends in spite of their arrogance or dullness, while others, who are funny and kind, cannot? This is often because the first, in spite of their unpleasant personalities, are comfortable with intimacy. Unfortunately, others struggle. You may be polite, cheerful, witty, and interesting, but if you are unable to relax and let others in, if, in other words, you can only skim the surface, then real, lasting friendship will be impossible. Put yourself in their position. How can you make a friendship last with someone you barely know?
If you struggle to establish intimacy, you need to understand why. For some, it simply comes down to temperament. Maybe you are by nature quiet and introverted. If so, you may have developed the habit of keeping people at arm’s length.
Others struggle with poor self-esteem and assume people will reject their true self. The British psychiatrist R.D. Laing wrote a book titled The Divided Self that deals with this split. Laing argued that some people feel their true, authentic, real self is fragile and weak, or simply unacceptable. As a consequence, they develop a series of masks or false selves. In extreme cases, these can split off and become autonomous. In others, the true self effectively shrivels away and “dies.” A schizophrenic breakdown may then occur. Of course, schizophrenic breakdowns are relatively rare, yet the basic problem is not. Many people feel that their true self is too boring, small, or weak to be given free reign. Others are so hurt or frightened in childhood that they only feel safe behind a mask. But to keep hold of a friend, there must be intimacy. And who can be intimate with a mask?
For many it simply comes down to lack of practise. If you spend a lot of time alone and have few friends, others will sense this. They will sense your discomfort and, though they make like you, will feel uncomfortable themselves. Sadly, the obnoxiously confident, who are used to being around other people and take it for granted that they will be liked, seem to convince others to keep in touch. Those who spend a great deal of time alone, however, tend to become stuck in a vicious circle: they are lonely because they have few people in their life, but being lonely means they are unused to socializing, and that means they hold people at a distance which, of course, means they end up even lonelier.
Trust is another major obstacle. Those who were bullied or betrayed in youth often find it difficult to trust people in later life. But you must update. And you must take a chance. You will only learn to trust people by giving them the opportunity to prove themselves loving and loyal.
Being Someone That People Want in Their Lives
It is no good establishing intimacy with someone only for them to realize they don’t actually want to be in your company! Remember, most people live hectic lives. Why should they spend the little free time they have with you instead of someone else? Consider what people want in a friend. First, they want someone who is going to cheer them up and make them feel better. So do not moan. There is nothing wrong with an occasional rant about your rotten job, and there is nothing wrong with reaching out to someone when you feel low – that is what friends are for. What people cannot tolerate, however, is a constant, gloomy whine about how boring and horrible everything is. They want sparkle, laughter, and fun.
People also want someone who is interested in them. Friendship is about sharing. So do not become one of those monsters who use other people to make themselves feel good. In fact, do not talk about yourself at all! The only people who care that you beat your personal best on this morning’s run are your parents and grandparents (maybe not even them). Unless you have a real gift for anecdotes or have lived an extraordinary life, people really don’t want to hear about your vacation or the trouble you keep having with the car engine.
Instead, find their passion. The friendships that last tend to be based on a mutual interest, especially when that interest is unusual and they have no one else with whom to share it. That said, do not fake an interest in something. Instead, explore as many new things as possible: read good books, watch lots of movies, and take up new hobbies.
Understanding the Other Person
Another major obstacle people face is that they simply do not understand the other person. For example, let’s say you meet a new friend at yoga. She is funny and sweet and shares your love of French literature and British comedy. You meet for a coffee now and then and seem to get on great. And yet, for some reason, she drifts away from you. One day you ask her why this is and she explains that she is an introvert. She enjoys your company, but she also needs a lot of alone time. Being an introvert, she finds socializing exhausting and dislikes having to constantly turn down your invitations.
If you are now in your late 20s, or older, it is important to realize that as people age they tend to look for different things in a friend. Above all, they want substance. Back in school or college, potential friends may have been impressed by your cool clothes and surly contempt for authority; but a 35-year-old mother of two, with a boring admin job and little spare time, probably won’t be. In fact, they may be irritated by such childish posing. Adults want deep and interesting conversations, not posing.
Finally, bear in mind that raising children is difficult and exhausting. Many single, childless people will give up on a new friend, assuming they aren’t interested in maintaining the relationship. In fact, they may simply be exhausted from looking after their kids! If you have children and a new friend does not, you could reassure them that you do want them in your life, you just don’t have much time.
Shame and Honesty
It can be as difficult to tell a new friend you like them as it can to tell a new partner that you love them. This may be in part because the first is expected. Men in particular often find they simply haven’t the language and so resort to affectionate mockery instead. If you wish to hold on to a new friendship, you must have the courage to tell the other person how you feel.
Obviously, you needn’t go over the top. Don’t throw your arms around them and tell them they are the answer to your prayers! Just try and drop it into the conversation in a casual, lighthearted way: “You know, I really do enjoy our chats,” or “it’s so great to have someone to talk books/ films with. I don’t know anyone else who is interested.” Remember, your new friend may have no idea how you feel about them. Numerous friendships end because neither person has any idea how much the other likes them.
Making and holding onto new friends can be tricky, especially as you age. The key is not to give up. Also, avoid self-pity. It’s no good sitting at home whining that no one likes you or that you feel lonely. Lots of people feel lonely (even those with a partner and children). You are not alone in your loneliness! The only cure is getting out there – and this can be tough. At first, you may find that you feel more, not less, lonely. But keep at it. Keep trying. And when you do make new friends, be cheerful, friendly, and upbeat. Let them in and listen when they tell you about their problems. And, finally, overcome your pride and tell them how you feel.