Do you sense that friends and family dislike your new partner? Maybe they have made little comments about his vanity and boasting. But could he really be a narcissist? After all, many people are arrogant and get on other people’s nerves. Recognizing the difference is important, since a relationship with a narcissist is almost certain to end in tears. After all, as Benjamin Franklin once observed, “he who loves himself will have no rivals.”
Narcissism
The term narcissist comes from a character in Greek Mythology. Narcissus was a beautiful youth punished by the gods for his vanity. Real narcissism is less poetic, however. At its most extreme, it is in fact a full-blown personality disorder, characterized by grandiosity, manipulation, lack of empathy and an excessive need for admiration. These traits usually appear in adolescence and will be exhibited in all areas of life – not just at work or in relationships.
Oddly, narcissists also tend to have rather fragile self-esteem. Though it is probably assumed that they are impervious to criticism, that is not the case. Narcissists are surprisingly sensitive and can be easily upset and humiliated.
Behavior
The first sign may well be his abnormal behavior. You will probably feel that your partner is acting somehow. For example, he may have cultivated an aloof, detached manner, giving the impression of looking down at the human race from a great height.
This will be especially obvious when he is confronted by other people’s achievements. Imagine your best friend has just had her novel published. She comes over with a bottle of champagne, flushed with joy and excitement. But your partner acts as if it’s no big deal. For a start, he is irritated that attention is focussed on someone other than him (which is where he feels it ought to be). And in any case, he probably believes he could write an even better novel if he had the time!
A lack of social conscience is another classic sign. Narcissists are hell to live with. A narcissistic housemate, for example, may shirk his household duties (taking out the trash, for example, or washing up) but be quite happy for a roommate to complete his share; indeed, he may grow angry if he does not. Narcissists regard rules as petty, irritating, and, above all, inapplicable to them.
They are also quick to ditch their principles and usually untroubled by doing so, since they consider their health, happiness and success to be all-important. They will probably be surprised that others do not share this view. A narcissist may be genuinely surprised at how hurt and disappointed his friends and family seem to be by his selfish, amoral conduct.
Sense of Self
The narcissist, to put it mildly, has a high opinion of himself. Others would say he has an absurdly inflated opinion of himself. Indeed, some narcissists are little more than deluded fantasists. It would be incorrect to describe them as liars, however. Narcissists re-shape events to fit their view of themselves. And once they have done so, they often convince themselves that that is how things really happened.
For example, imagine your new boyfriend goes out for a drink with your brother. Your boyfriend comes home with a black eye and tells you they were attacked by five drunken thugs but that he fought them off. When you ask your brother about this, he looks bewildered. For a start, he says, there were only two of them, not five. There was a drunken scuffle, but the doormen soon broke it up and that was all there was to it. You confront your boyfriend and find him unperturbed. His imagination has gone to work, re-shaped the events of the evening to fit his high opinion of himself, and he is now convinced that this is the truth.
Relationships With Other People
The psychoanalyst Otto Kernberg notes the way narcissists exploit other people. Indeed, they are often little better than parasitic. An ex-girlfriend, for example, may describe how he constantly borrowed money and then sat around the apartment all day while she went to work and paid the bills. Again, he is unlikely to have been troubled by this, not because he has no feelings or conscience, but because he considers himself worth such care and attention.
Narcissists believe they are special or unique. They may, for example, consider themselves intellectually superior. If their academic achievements do not support this view, however, they will dismiss them as meaningless and claim that they possess talents and gifts beyond the grasp of teachers and exam boards.
Because they feel superior, they are likely to be critical or dismissive of their family and neighbors, describing them as dull, provincial and mediocre. They will be likely to claim that this is not where they belong and to insinuate that you are lucky to be with them. After all, they should be mixing with novelists, poets and rock stars in London or New York, not stuck in this dull old place with you!
Many people feel lonely and misunderstood. Indeed, many spend their whole lives searching for that one person who ‘gets’ them. Narcissists are no different. However, a narcissist feels misunderstood not because he cannot find someone with similar interests or a similar temperament but because he cannot find someone on his level. Since he considers himself special and unique, it would take someone of exceptional sophistication to understand him – or so he believes.
Of course, it is more likely that your new boyfriend is simply a bit arrogant. Still, around 7% of the population are narcissists, so do not dismiss the idea too quickly. If you suspect that you are dating a narcissist, there are strategies for coping. Books have even been published on how to deal with such people. Ultimately though, a relationship with a true narcissist is unlikely to be happy. One of the main problems is that narcissists, by their very nature, do not believe there is anything wrong – after all, you cannot improve on perfection!