One of the pearls of wisdom that we will often receive when entering into a new relationship is that we mustn’t try and change the person we are starting to date. Why? Because we can’t – they’ll always stay the same and all we’re likely going to achieve is to upset them (and ourselves) if we try.
This is sound advice and anyone who has been in a relationship will tell you that it’s true: the more you try and change your partner, the more they’re likely to stubbornly stick to their guns. And that doesn’t end well for anyone…
But this raises wider questions. If you can’t change someone, does that just mean that you can’t force them to change? Or does it mean that they are more generally incapable of changing? Most people we know from primary school are still generally the same as they were when we knew them back then: the funny ones are funny, and the serious ones are now probably bankers.
So the question is, can anyone change? And should we?
The Studies in Favour of ‘Static Personalities’
Of course what with psychology being a science, the actual answer here is: no one knows. Some studies suggest that we can and do change, while others seem to contradict that.
One study using the ‘Big Five’ personality traits theory (one of the most popular methods of measuring and comparing personalities) for instance, suggests that we aren’t likely to change majorly over time. This study measured several participants’ personalities using said scale, and then checked back on them after a number of years had changed and found that any differences were minor and rare.
Likewise, many twin studies seem to show a strong biological factor in shaping our personalities. When twins have been separated at birth and then later analysed for similarities in their personality, they have often been found to be remarkably similar despite being raised apart and having completely different upbringings. In some well publicised cases the similarities have seemed to go beyond just surface traits – to the point where the twins ended up getting married on the same day to people with the same name. Spooky.
And this biological basis for personality is also something that can be observed in many cases of brain injury and stroke. People who have suffered from damage to their brain through trauma or disease will often demonstrate different personalities as a result – often having shorter attention spans and tempers for instance. Could it be that our personality is simply tied to the shape and function of our brain?
The Studies in Favour of Change
But then again these studies didn’t compel the participants to try and change. This doesn’t so much show that we are incapable of change, so much as suggest that we may be unlikely to change. If you actively try and change who you are though, could it be a different story?
Well some studies are more promising in this regard. A study published recently in Social Indicators Research and carried out by the University of Manchester School of Psychological Sciences showed that we can increase our wellbeing by changing our personality – and that this can result in higher income, getting married or switching to more fulfilling careers.
This study then would suggest that we can change our personality types, but also that we maybe should… And according to Carol Dweck, a psychologist at Stanford University, using personality tests such as the Big Five might also be missing on a lot of smaller changes that could be a lot more common. It may be that our larger ‘over-arching’ traits remain largely stable (such as extraversion), but our finer ‘surface’ traits change more often.
Likewise, several studies have also shown how life events can impact on personality. Being mugged for instance could cause someone to become less outgoing, while a promotion could lead to your becoming more confident and thus more outgoing. Age has also been shown to have an impact – with things like agreeableness and emotional stability reaching a peak in most people between the ages of 40-60 before declining. (See ‘Stability and Change of Personality Across the Life Course’ by Specht et al.).
As usual then, the answer to this question is probably something of a compromise. Most likely we can change our personalities, but our genetics will encourage us to lean in particular directions. Ageing can cause our personality to alter on a relatively predictable path – but from a set starting point – while life events can drastically alter particular traits if only on a temporary basis. Of course though it’s also very difficult to separate our ‘personality’ from particular roles, contexts and experiences. Has your personality truly changed? Or is the same personality making different decisions based on different memories? And does this distinction even matter?
Implications
Studies are no use to us though if they can’t be used to enrich our lives and direct our behaviour. So what can we take from these findings? Well the first thing to take away is that our personalities can change under the right circumstances, but are much more likely to in all likelihood if we are trying to change them. Of course our willingness to change and our predisposition towards personal growth will be tied into our personality, which means that your starting personality could well make you more or less likely to change later. Some people then are probably much more capable of change than others.
But the point is that we are capable of at least some change in the right circumstances – and that this can lead to desirable changes to our happiness and circumstances. If you are unhappy with where you are in your life now then, or if you don’t like something about yourself, there is something you can do.
And while personality may or may not be highly changeable, behaviour has been demonstrated in countless cases to be. So the power is yours – you can be who you want to be.