I have to admit it… I am in fact a guy. And as a guy, it follows that I sometimes perv at hot girls. This is a problem as I’m in a happy relationship with my long-term girlfriend. I’m really genuinely happy with her, she means the world to me and I would never cheat. I also happen to think she’s the most beautiful lady on the planet. Except for maybe Scarlett Johansson…
None of this however, prevents me from perving. And sometimes when a hot woman walks past, it actually feels like a pang of pain going through my loins. Other times I lose my breath like I’ve been punched in the stomach and then I sit there ‘yearning’ like a puppy who wants a biscuit. It’s pathetic.
Of course I feel somewhat guilty about this adulterous thought process, but I don’t beat myself up about it: after all, every guy feels that way from time to time. The question is: why do we get that urge in the first place? And is there anything you can do about it? Read on, because I think the answers may actually surprise you somewhat…
What Makes Us Guys
Surely you already know much of the reason that guys perv at girls – whether you’re a guy or whether you’re a girl. Thing is that we’ve evolved to perv at girls and in the wild this is what would ensure that we ‘spread our seed’ as much as possible. Our evolutionary imperative is to ensure the greatest chance of our DNA being passed on and surviving and as such it makes sense that we were born with an urge to sleep with lots of women.
There are biological reasons behind this too. Mostly you can thank all the testosterone flowing through your veins, which is also what’s responsible for your stubble and your hairy chest. This is largely what sets men apart from women, what makes guys guys, and that’s why men are generally hornier than women. Of course you could look into ways of lowering your testosterone, but you’d also lose muscle mass, drive and general alpha-male status.
The Surprising Bit
But there’s a surprising bit too, and that’s the social and psychological element that gives us such a strong urge to play away from home (whether or not we act on it). To illustrate my point, imagine if you will a virtual girlfriend. We’re twenty years into the future and technology has now progressed to the point where virtual reality interfaces directly with your brain making it impossible to tell the difference between a real experience and a virtual experience. This has brought about incredible revolutions in porn. Now you can sleep with any woman that you can imagine. She can look however you want her too, she can do whatever you want her to, and she will wear whatever you want her too. The implications on your relationship aside, this is seventh heaven for male-kind.
Now imagine that you can go home and plug into this virtual experience at any time. You’re in a bar away from your girlfriend and a hot woman walks past in high heels. She has tight trousers on that cling to her buttocks, an ample bosom that bobs up and down as she walks and beautiful blonde hair with striking red lipstick. Crucially, as she walks past she winks at you and gesture for you to follow her and her friends into the club she’s heading into to.
Do you still get that yearning? Even knowing you can have sex with a virtual girl just like her as soon as you get home? Of course you do. So what is it that sets this kind of experience apart?
Of course it’s ego. The point is, that for many men, the idea of sleeping with women is so appealing partly because it massages our ego. We are fundamentally tied to our sexual conquests, so much so that admitting that you’ve only slept with three women to your mates is something many of us would probably never do. The fact that a hot woman winked at us is a) a chance to increase the number of notches on our bed post, b) proof that we are still fanciable and attractive and c) incredibly flattering. Then you go home to your girlfriend horny and she isn’t in the mood for sex. Unfairly you can end up actually resentful of your loving partner. ‘I turned down a chance for sex with a hot stranger who wanted me, and you can’t even be bothered to say thank you!’.
I have a friend who often sleeps with partners other than his long-term girlfriend, even though he seems to love her dearly and she’s more than happy to satisfy his every sexual need. What makes him do it? Low self-esteem.
The Solution
This is hardly healthy and it’s actually quite pathetic. Your mate who brags about sleeping with fifty women a week isn’t really happy you know – he’s just looking for verification in order to make himself feel better. He probably doesn’t have a great job, or wasn’t his Mum’s favourite child…
Instead of yearning after every hot piece of ass who passes you by then, instead try to get things in perspective. Remember that it’s much better to be loved by someone than it is to have meaningless sex with a woman who probably also has low self-esteem and resents you for reminding her of her Father. And remember that at the end of the day it is just sex. Society, and more precisely your mates, have taught you to associate sexual conquest with success, but actually the two have nothing in common. Being a success means having a happy family, being content and probably being an internet entrepreneur with a million dollar start-up.
Who really cares if you sleep with one more woman? And manage to con your way into twenty minutes of fun? Nobody. So get over it.
You are totally wrong dude and on your own with this one. You can't say this for all men. I do not think like this and don't want to spread my seed? Weirdo!!
I'm so glad I'm a lesbian. Go on and say it's gross it's a sin blah blah blah. I'm quite happy and don't have to deal with this sh*t…
This article is refreshingly honest, but I must interject, women do also have these urges, I get them all the time and I'm aware of it, but I feel that women are more suppressed as it is indeed a "man's world", to suggest women are not sexual is just naive but I can assure you, I look at a guy's ass and lust just as much as a man does, on monthly basis our bodies are filled with hormones that make us desire sex and it's very foolish to stigmatize and say men wish to "spread their seed", we have in nature itself many species that are loyal to one mate so I feel this is just an excuse for men to be unfaithful rather than a "scientific fact" and also overlooking the amount of women who cheat as well … this is a morality issue not a scientific one and media has over sexualised women for a long time now, which has caused an immense imbalance …
I've been cheated on by ex's online, and I will say it is just as hurtful, the emotional and sexual engagement hurts even without the physical connection, I'd ask them why they did it and never got a straight answer … I've thought about this a lot recently as this digital age has made it impossible to have healthy secure relationships and I started resigning to the idea that I will be single for life … but then I realised that not all men act this way, in fact I know a good few young good looking men who are not interested in these type of acts, they look yes but it's fleeting and they are grounded and have their priorities in place … I always felt that the guys who acted this way were more insecure and were most likely acting from their ego, reading this from a male perspective has confirmed it … so not all is lost, there is hope, we all have ego, healthy and unhealthy, my guess is that men are put under immense pressure to have a good job, lots of money, a house, a car and if they do not acquire all this the ego becomes damaged and they seek macho gratification through easy fixes with girls online who are happy to give them attention and massage their ego … I have considered working as a therapist for men who suffer from this, I've talked to a few about their addictions and issues and I think it's easy to just dismiss and label someone, but this is an issue in society and I believe it needs to be explored and understood better … there is a deeper reason behind this, on both sides, the men who habitually perv and the girls who post demeaning photos of themselves in order to get attention and "love" …
I’m a hetero woman and I really liked this article. It’s refreshingly honest – not “men only feel lust towards their partners” which is not realistic. Yet I also like the part you include at the end about self-esteem. I also observed that the majority of men who are man ***** actually have low self-esteem. After all, like attracts like. And whilst much is made of promiscuous females having low self-esteem, the men who they must be having it – must, according to this principle, also have low self-worth. The difference is that, due to evolutionary biology, men are rewarded for this type of behaviour (because throughout most of human history – it meant they were increasing their chances of survival through reproduction – whereas for women it meant near certain death). However, in today’s world – men with healthy levels of self-esteem seek a stable family life and professional success as better ways to attain life satisfaction. I often think that men who are promiscuous do it to get the attention and approval of other males in a pathetic way. All in all, I thought this was an accurate and good article.
Yes an honest and refreshing read. Most men are unapologetic about perving at other women because of all the various factors above as mentioned. I’m a chick and automatically think of an attractive girl in a sexual way, especially in tight gym pants, with a hot arse on show. (I’m a bum person)
However, what I want to know is what a man feels and thinks about his girls feelings when he knows that his partner knows that there is a hot chick near you and is most likely scantily clad, in something your girlfriend wouldn’t wear although could be equally as hot if she did, but chooses not too because she doesn’t feel she needs to dress that way for attention from guys?
I just wondered if you feel bad when you know your partner is aware of this when the chick in front of you both is dressed in short pants with her arse cheek hanging out or tight work out pants with a hot arse and false eyelashes (the later is something most men don’t even recognise in women, nor the makeup, that their your partner is is fact way prettier without the make up and the rest). And you notice your man staring or not even, respectfully looking, then looking away, then looking again, and angling for the best angle to look for a little longer. Like even if your own partner is looking hot in same tight work out gear, he chooses to look at the other because it’s different. Do men feel bad for their partner? Watching our man continually looking at any attractive woman in proximity?
I look at men and appreciate their beauty but don’t have any physical reaction. Where as I believe men do have a physical reaction and would think fleetingly about having sex with these women for a moment. I have brothers so I have grown up with this shall I say fact, by listening to comments and watching and listening to comments made about women constantly. And not saying guys aren’t lovely even if they perve.
But how should the partner feel when she’s dressed to the nines, or not even, and you are both out and there are constantly the young women out there, particularly now than ever, baring flesh like it’s ok, when in fact, I believe modestly is generally best in public. I recently went on holiday with my partner and there were floss gstrings everywhere. At the hotel pool, at the beach. Chicks with their partners or not, wearing these floss gstrings that no-one can help staring at when an arse in front of you. I was trying to have a lovely breakfast with my man, to connect and have a great time. Not have to watch him trying to not to constantly look at all these womens arses. Even I was looking, how can you not.
Like I said, do guys feel guilty when a hot chick walks into the room, sits in front of you and you are looking at them, when your girl is in front of you? Particularly if hot chicky is scantly dressed and your girl would never wear that out in public (maybe in the bedroom if you are lucky) and she knows you are looking at hot chicky probs getting a quarter semi. And we just have to sit there and take it, then go home and put out to our man that is adoring us in the moment, when there is no other girl around to admire?
I personally think that my man doesn’t appreciate my arse when looking at another girls hot arse in that moment, even though he loves my arse, just not so much when another girl’s is around to be looked at instead.
My question also is, should we partners be trying to compete with the scantily dressed women? Even fat chicks are wearing very little these days, something I would never wear even if would look way better. I’m all for body confidence in women, good for them I say, they give me inspiration to not be so self-critical. However if I wore scantily clad clothes and false eyelashes and heaps of makeup (I’ve tried it, didn’t like it) then I feel that I would be getting the attention from the men, making a point to get attention from other men. I find it a bit rude when you are a woman, to the other women, out and about dressed for the eye ogling that will be attracted by other men blatantly while their lovely, discreet but sexy girl is sitting right there watching him notice them.
I want to know am I reading too much into this situation as a woman? Do I need to just accept this? Because in the end I feel I do personally. Even though I don’t want to. I feel like I know exactly what guys are thinking when they look at sexy woman, bending her over and giving her one most likely, because that’s what I think too. I don’t think a lot of girls actually know this as they may not have been exposed growing up to this. Not really even saying it’s bad, it’s a natural thought, as natural as eating. I just want guys to admit that there is much more for them to look at all the time, and be mindful of this around their girlfriends. If there is hot woman around, yes admire her briefly, however touch your girlfriends hand and reconnect with her. I feel this deeply and want validation from men in general, or some recognition that, that’s what your girl has to deal with every summer at the beach…her man trying not to look at this plethora of a feast of visual extasy and pleasure. While we may be there feeling a little insecure, knowing that you would be attractive and some men would be looking at you know doubt if you was their cup of tea. But how can chicks complete with a floss thong on chicks in their twenties? Can’t. Been there done that. These girls will also have kids and get a fatter arse most likely if they don’t choose to look after themselves, and they will in turn have to witness their partner looking and getting a woody at all the younger hot chicks.
I’m just saying. I really do know it is what it is and women are the seductresses and are gorgeous and enticing and I get it. I’m a sexual woman too and enjoy attention, but never have from blatant revealing clothes. I guess I attracted the man that saw that in me as I have never been short of admirers. Even so, have always felt a little guilty flaunting a gstring floss in front of anther womans man in a public place such as the beach. But that decorum, most like appreciated in me by man, doesn’t stop him watching and looking over at the hot chick in her floss and her hot arse. Until she’s not around anymore, until the next one comes along.
Please guys, just know that I KNOW I’m not the only chick that feels so bad about this. Just acknowledge your girl in front of the hot chick after staring at her presence and coming back to earth. Touch her hand, squeeze her bum, pinch her cheek, connect with her and let her know that she also means the world to you in that moment too, when other hot girls are around too. Really, if you are a generally a nice guy, this act will get you along way. Probably save some weird vibes from your girl, and you will gain her trust and she will do anything for you.
Yes!! This was well said.
Nope, you’re the pathetic one here. Looks are VERY important for men’s sexual attraction.
You giving him children, clean home, yummy meals and massages will make him appreciate and love you, but won’t trigger his sexual instincts.
You know very well that he doesn’t want to touch you because you’ve gotten fat, so try losing some weight and things might change.