Monogamy: The Struggle to Remain Faithful

For most people, monogamy requires determination and self-discipline. A life without commitment, however, moving from lover to lover, usually proves empty and unfulfilling. But just because something is worth the effort, that does not mean it is natural. And the question of how natural monogamy is continues to trouble us.

Biology and History

Our sexual lives are influenced by both biology and culture. And so in trying to understand whether monogamy is natural or not, we must first look at how our attitudes have been shaped by evolution and culture.

Human beings seem to be very fond of animals that “mate for life.” Zoologists, however, have an annoying habit of spoiling this! For example, there is a poetic myth that swans pine away when their partner dies. In fact, they do not – they just find another one. Or, to take a different example, it was long believed that red-tailed blackbirds are monogamous. But when large numbers of males were sterilized in an effort to reduce their numbers, the females continued to lay eggs which hatched. They were simply going elsewhere.

As for humans, research conducted at the Karolinska Institute in Sweden suggests that how deeply men bond with their partners is determined by a specific gene variant (immediately dubbed the “divorce gene” by the press). Others dispute such an idea, arguing that it is too simplistic and reductive. Dudley Young, in his Origins of the Sacred, argues that among the primates human beings ‘invented’ love. According to Young, this had to happen if our ancestors were to survive the move onto the African savannah. The hominid female was not only physically weaker than the male, she was also constantly pregnant, leaving her vulnerable and dependent. In Young’s words, “the woman had to come up with something fairly significant; and so she did. She invented love.”

First, she abandoned the estrus cycle and was thus able to have sex at any time rather than only on certain days. The vagina also moved forward, enabling sex to take place eye to eye, deepening intimacy. And yet, as Young adds, this move from alpha-male plus harem to passionate, intimate pair-bonding, was not a smooth one. Both males and females were ambivalent from the very start: both caught by the passion of face to face sex and the resultant bond, and yet simultaneously resentful and yearning for freedom. In Young’s poetic language, “What Yeats called love’s contraptual serpent (and the psychologists call ambivalence) could doubtless be heard hissing from the very start.”

There can be little doubt that sex has always involved more than just pleasure and reproduction. The sexual act bonds the couple together – often against their will. Wishing to retain exclusive access to one person, experiencing jealousy when he or she sleeps with someone else, and wanting to offer a symbolic commitment, is probably very old indeed.

The idea that love has a part to play in marriage, however, is relatively new. In fact, even the celebration of romantic love is new. In the Ancient world, for example, passionate devotion to one sexual partner was thought to be a kind of madness. And until relatively recently, marriages were arranged by the parents – indeed, this remains true in parts of the world to this very day. It is also true that in many cultures men had mistresses and that this was largely accepted. Of course, it could be argued that this was because arranged marriages prevented people from marrying someone they loved.

Why Do People Cheat?

As the British philosopher Alain de Botton writes in How to Think More About Sex, the sex drive is an “anarchic and reckless power” that “refuses to sit neatly on top of love.” And yet the fact that, in de Botton’s words, sex “remains in absurd, and perhaps irreconcilable, conflict with some of our highest commitments and values” does not mean those commitments and values are hollow and fake. Perhaps we confuse monogamy with love. Though we may find it hard to accept, it is possible to deeply love and respect someone while simultaneously betraying them.

Indeed, the betrayal can be part of the attraction. People struggle to stay faithful not only because they are physically attracted to others but because they crave the thrill and excitement of meeting and getting to know someone new. One of the problems with monogamy is that it brings old age and death into sharp relief. The Book of Common Prayer, for example, used to join people in marriage by making them literally swear to remain faithful “until death do us part.” Quite simply, having an affair makes people feel young and pushes old age and death into the distance.

Another problem is that people often make the wrong choice. They meet someone, have children with them, take on a mortgage and then find that they are not compatible. But, they feel, it is too late: money, children, property etc. just make things too complicated. And so they cheat. But that very same individual, who then gains a reputation as a serial adulterer, and whose actions seem to prove the absurdity of monogamy, might have remained loyal had they married the right person.

Being Faithful

In his book How Can I Ever Trust You Again? From Infidelity to Recovery in Seven Steps the UK-based marital therapist Andrew Marshall writes in favor of monogamy, on both moral and practical grounds. First, he argues that during his career he has never met a couple who tried an open relationship and made it work. The storm of emotion is simply too much for them. The problem is that no matter how rational you try to be, sex, and the feelings unleashed, are irrational. Someone whose partner cheats may find herself screaming “I know we agreed to an open relationship. I know we said it made sense. But I can’t help how I feel.” And there is the added problem that the couple in question, no matter how much they love one another, usually end physical intimacy. Passion, romance and desire is invested elsewhere, and so their love for one another mutates into something like the love for a brother or sister.

Some would argue that the best solution is a sort of licensed cheating, in which the couple reach an understanding. This is also known as the “don’t ask/don’t tell” policy. A certain amount of freedom and space is granted. That does not mean each partner is free to sleep with whoever they like, it simply means that both agree to try and remain faithful, that they would prefer it if their partner did not cheat, but that if he or she does cheat they must be discreet.

Marshall, however, is skeptical about such arrangements. He argues that people deceive themselves if they think they can lovingly commit to one person and have meaningless sex with another. Sex is rarely uncomplicated because, in Marshall’s words, it “binds people together.” Feelings develop over time, no matter how they try to detach themselves. You may be able to have a string of one-night stands, but most people find these leave them bored and empty. A casual partner, or “friend with benefits,” however, can soon turn into a painful romance.

The Future

Finally, it is worth considering the future of monogamy. People in the developed world are living longer, and in many cases healthier, lives than ever before. Even the most skeptical writers on the future accept that the lifespan may rise to 120, even 130. Many have written on this subject, but to take just one example, Dr Alex Zhavoronkov, director of the UK-based Biogerontology Research Foundation, was recently quoted as saying he hopes to make it to 150. What will this mean for monogamy? If someone finds it hard to stay faithful for 50 or 60 years, how will they cope for 100 – or more?

One thing does seem certain: longer lifespans will not mean an end to love and commitment. Instead, we may simply find a lowering of expectation, with people more tolerant of occasional affairs. There may also be different kinds of relationships. Most people find one night stands not only unfulfilling but also lonely and empty. And this is true of men as well as women. Some argue for multiple partners, with people having an official, “primary” partner plus open, or secondary, partners.

Finally, there is the question of what constitutes cheating. Would sex with a doll or a robot count as infidelity? How about virtual or online sex? Even today, the most expensive and up-to-date silicone sex dolls (some of which cost over $2,000) are astonishingly lifelike and very different to the crude, inflatable ones. In parts of Europe there are even silicone doll brothels! As robots become ever more sophisticated and lifelike, robot brothels are certain to appear. These will be used by both men and women. Again, would this be considered cheating? Or would many people find it preferable to having their partner cheat with a real human being? Dolls and robots may even provide some kind of compromise for those who struggle to remain loyal over longer and longer periods of time.

Monogamy remains essentially an ideal. And, like most ideals, some find they can live up to it, some cannot. Either way, it is an ideal certain to endure.